I hear so many adults blaming their inadequacies or faults onto their past and I think, ‘Grow Up. Take some responsibility for your life and fix yourself”
I never say that unless they persist on telling me how their mother always ran them down so they feel they are not good enough or that she did not let him do something so he now cannot do it.
Funny how mostly the blame goes to the Mother.
She is always the main culprit in everything that happens.
You don’t get promotion so your Mother is to blame.
Your sex life is not as it should be, so blame your Mother.
Your children don’t respect you enough, so blame your mother.
You cannot find your way home, so blame your Mother.
With this being my attitude, you can imagine what I felt when my own son told me he was having problems, was undergoing therapy and it was all blamed on his Mother for ‘abandoning him when he was not able to understand’
It turned out that this was his Father’s excuse for any mischief or anything not done..’Its your Mother’s fault. She is to blame for your behavior’
This I can understand but I still cannot understand how and why 40 years later, he still cannot realise that his current life is his choice and decision and nothing to do with maternal neglect as seen through his Father’s eyes.
When people take full responsibility for their own lives and own actions, they are able to heal the scars from the past and instead of blaming their Mothers, they could analyse what is really going wrong in their own lives.
Often the scars are not even real. They could be based on hurt biases of another such as the dismissed parent who still, 40 years later despite being remarried and blessed with a wonderful wife and 4 other children and grandchildren, still hold onto a past bitterness that they were left, unfairly and unreasonable, because in their own eyes and estimation, they were the perfect husband and parent and partner.
Perfection of a person is only in their own eyes. We seldom expect anyone to be perfect, and retrospect even less so.
When a marriage breaks up, the fault is seldom just one person.
There are two people involved and there are faults on both sides.
If there are children, then they get affected by the break up in different ways, usually how they wish to perceive their own situation. One becomes the victim, the other uses the situation to their own advantage. Having two parents is not a pre-requisite for happiness. In fact, it could be the opposite and go a different way if the child is not happy or sees himself as not happy with the situation.
However, we are born with choice, and we can choose to see both sides and be at peace with both estranged families or we can choose to go one way and only see bad in the rejected parent who is usually the one blamed for the breakup of the happy home-life as perceived on reflection and in memory.
As an adult you have the choice to be happy and if you need, and can afford, therapy to see your own worth, so much for you.
Mostly you can solve it yourself by looking at the situation and assessing it honestly instead of laying blame on a past that is no more and possible never was except in someone’s imagination.
You are what you want to be my son, and I am sorry you have to lay blame on me for you to be friends with your father and the family he created for you because I chose to give you a family life I could never give or have. I always wanted you to be as much a part of him as you were a part of me. Love is meant to be shared and you do not lose by loving anyone.
That is my message and the song has been sung.